B.K.William returns with another Weird Water article titled Cold Toes. -Ed.

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...scalded cats fear even cold water. -Thomas Fuller

Cold Toes by B.K.William (December 2005)

Does the water bubble when a duck farts?

I hazard the answer to be a solid yes. After squeezing into my frogman suit for the first time this year the bubble direction was unmistakable. Yes, the gas does indeed rise up and away from the frigid water.

Don't fart in your wetsuit... -kneeblaster

Get bundled up, it’s that time of year when cold water forces us all to dust off the bondage suit and expend massive amounts of energy to not only get in the wetsuit, but to the line-up. You might think that whoever invented this aerobically-challenged-stretchy armor forgot we had to paddle the English Channel to get out.

Enduring painfully long paddles in freezing conditions one man had enough teeth chattering bonfires after a surf. His name was Jack, and he did not have to jump over a candle stick.

Invented in the early 50’s by a North Californian surfer by the name of Jack O’Neil, his wetsuit design helped us to be cozier as we watch those little bumps on the horizon heading to Palm Beach.

The wetsuit pioneer started out trying to figure a way to keep warm at his home breaks on the West coast. Frustrated by trial and error, he had used diving suits that wouldn’t bend and old sweaters soaked in oil. Necessity can be a stubborn force when you really need the invention. He found success going back to his roots when he was in the Army Air Corps just after WW2.

There was a padding that he remembered, it was used as the carpet flooring in DC-3’s (Old transport and cargo planes).

Maybe you’ve heard of the thin spongy material? It was called neoprene foam, and in the Pacific’s chilly waters it caught on with those fine watermen.

In those days surfers were fighting hypothermia and losing the battle to the cold. They laughed at the first few vests and glued together suits, but Jack had the last laugh as he watched them one by one paddling for the fire pits blazing up on shore.

Forgotten almost too easily now are the days of summer. But with that first punch through the shore pound, the chill meter in the back of your neck will register the need for protection. The ice cream head-ache starts a chain reaction working the same nerve impulses that induce shock. It will cut the blood supply to your extremities in an attempt to keep the core warm. Unlike a polar bear you can’t pack on weight or eat raw seal to build up insulation.

The swell always seems to be out there; you don’t have to wait weeks for Lake Atlantic to throw you a bone. The counter-clockwise weather systems bring the juice, and Victory-at-Sea conditions come with a price that some won’t pay. The crowds will be thinner and even those Grizzly Adams hardcore dawn patrollers could have some doubts about the cold. It’s our body’s way of calling us land lovers when fully exposed feet touch the foam at the sands edge. You just need a Jack O’Neil variant to keep your inner skeleton warm in the water and, it’ll help to have a car that heats up quickly when you return to terra firma.

What’s underneath your wetsuit? I am a bit on the wild side so normally its one hundred percent commando. No need to worry if you wear baggies or even fruit-of-the-looms, none of your undergarments will push out the trapped water.

I just prefer to pee in my carpet pad than in any type of clothing I have on under it. Come on, admit it.

Everyone does it.

Unless you have a bladder the size of a walrus, its inevitable. You gotta pee and fortunately it is a heat source!

In the end it doesn’t matter how much they cost or how long you’ve owned your Captain America suit, you will wear it. Cold water is a strange motivator; it sucks out body heat just as easily as it throws powerful waves inland. I’ll take all the bad with every heated, little drop of water trapped between me and my new second skin. It’s only a matter of a few months before the heat comes back, until then it warms me up to thank a man named Jack.

B.K.William

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