Swell Memories is a weekly article by Dermot Whelehan.

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Do you put surfing on a potential job application?

JOB APPLICATION

We have all filled out job applications.

On some applications there is a section for hobbies, interests or sport activities. When we see that portion of the application we press the pen a little harder, and write as legibly as we can the word Surfing.

Surfers - true surfers - are extremely proud of their chosen path. We cringe at the word hobby, interest, or sport activities because surfing is much more than those words can describe. However, not all employers are interested in your leisure activities. But...they are interested in your criminal past.

There is always the question - Have you ever been arrested?

And there I sat, sweat beginning to bead and drip down my face as this nondescript individual who has never ridden a wave reaches the portion of the application that says – Have you ever been arrested?

I see that he reads my answer to the question. The sweat is now flowing full speed and I have rings under my armpits that go from armpit to waist. Very slowly his eyebrows move up, then his eyes, followed by the full motion of his head. In the most bureaucratic of tone he says, “Would you like to tell me about this?”

No…I would not like to tell him, but I want the job, so I guess I better.

"You see sir; I was arrested for surfing in a restricted area."

Seemingly caught off guard he looked me in the eye and says, “What did you say?”

I politely repeat myself, “Sir, for surfing in a restricted area. See, right there in the interest part I wrote surfing; my arrest has to do with my interest, my surfing.”

Now I’ve really made him mad as I have just, in essence, revealed the fact he overlooked the entire application except for the “arrested” part. However, rather than throw me out he was intrigued with the hardened criminal in front of him and he said, “OK, tell me what happened.”

Being a college freshman and an unemployed surfer (with a girlfriend) I needed the part time job. Seeing I had a slim chance of employment left, I commenced to tell him about my run in with the law.

I explained to this non-surfer that with any north swell there is the current and sometimes the wind. That particular winter day was no different except I was surfing a beach that neither my friend nor I were familiar with. Unbeknownst to me, the beach just south of where we were surfing had a lifeguard who jealously and fanatically guarded his domain. The dregs of humanity (surfers I guess) had better stay off his sand and out of his ocean.

I had been in the water for over two hours fighting the current when I simply got tired and drifted, via the strong current, southward. Somewhere on that stretch of Florida coast was a magical line that separated the uncivilized masses (again, surfers I guess) from his orderly world.

I drifted across that line.

Instantaneously whistles and bullhorns erupted. I gazed inward and gave the usual who me look as I pointed to myself. He moved his head up and down and waved me in. Just then a nice wave came. I took off, rode the wave, kicked out, and started to paddle back out. Bad move. I paddled north of his magical line but the damage was done. I did not instantly come in; I rebuked his authority. He would never be able to drink beer with his lifeguard buddies again. A police car was now on the scene, lights flashing, and the policeman was now waving me in.

People are speeding, drinking and driving, along with killing each other on the highway. Burglaries are being attempted. Murders are taking place. Dogs are sleeping with cats. But by God…we are going to arrest this surfer for the safety and well being of the community.

And, so I say to my prospective employer that I was handcuffed and hauled off to the city stockade. A few months later my court case came up and the lifeguard and policeman were there. The judge asked the lifeguard what happened and the lifeguard goes into an exorcist, demonic like trance as he tells the judge about the incident; surfers, the world, communists, republicans, democrats and not being able to drink beer with his buddies. The judge asked my lawyer to say something and he begins with, “Your honor my client is a college freshman who…”

Oh my God, that’s my defense - I’m a college freshmen!

The judge interrupts my lawyer then returns to the lifeguard. The lifeguard again goes into a semi-crazed speech about the evils of humanity. The judge looks at me and I simply shrug my shoulders. He looks back at the lifeguard, policeman and local prosecutor. The judge shakes his head in disbelief and pronounced his verdict.

Not Guilty.

The courtroom erupts, my surfing buddies all start hooting as if they are at a surf movie. It was a great day to be an American!

My prospective employer says, “So you’ve been arrested but never convicted.”

I reply, “Yes sir, that’s correct.”

He then asked if I have ever commited a heinous act. I replied, “Well there was this classic head high day and I dropped in on…”

I got the job.

*Dermot

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